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What can be said about Johnny J. Segura III that hasn't already been mentioned in several biographies, movies, plays, artistic interpretations, mime performances, recordings ( cd, vinyl, 8 track or cassette ), video games or word of mouth? Plenty. Everyone knows of the Segura III who lives in a small town in Louisiana, who is a self taught artist with inspiration from both American comics and Japanese manga. But, what else is REALLY to be known about him? Simple. |
To start off, we need to travel back in time to when Segura was just a wee lad. Before the times of TV and rock n' roll. Before even the times of radio and screen printing. Back in the days of plagues and many other very un-nice things. It was in these days that Segura used to travel with the Dos Equis guy ( which we all know is the one true God ). They traveled together for years. Drinking. Skydiving. Going to raves. Until the Dos Equis guy met this little lady and had a one night thing with her. 9 of the longest months of our lives later, his son appeared. The son of the true god. And his name was Carlos Spicy Wiener. Now, we all know the life of Carlos ( if not look it up on Facebook and prepared to be enlightened. ) And with Segura's only friend and equal being tied down with child support and taking care of the messiah, Segura was forced to leave the Dos Equis' land.
Segura wondered the Earth for about 37 years. Then, as luck would have it, Segura was just wondering some woods, minding his own business. He was attacked by a horde of ninjas and other vagabonds! Naturally, Segura disposed of all of them in a very hastily fashion. And among the innocents that were caught up into the fray was a young story teller. Segura never caught his name. But, he would soon go on and inspire some Japan's greatest myths and legends. And even inspire the whole jumping from tree to tree thing which was very popular in Japanese movies a while back. You know what I'm talking about. For you see. In combat Segura is very nimble. Like a cat. But, not a kitty cat. Like a flying death machine cat. Capable of slaying a whole horde of ninjas, drunkards and just rather not nice people. After the battle Segura just faded away like mist. And was unheard from for several, several years.
Many people claimed to have seen, or even interacted with Segura in these times of silence. But, no solid evidence was ever given. Until the Renaissance era. When Segura was a having a lovely time accompanying an artist friend of his. They got very close. And even the artist's greatest work came from when Segura posed for him and told him to “ Paint me like one of your French girls.” And thus, the Sistine Chapel painting came about. Segura has had influences on several key people over the years. Some for good. Some for not so good. He told the French that they should focus on making bread and cheese. To the Swiss to make a utility knife. Talked the Australians to add “ Mate “ to the end of all their sentences. “ It'll give your people character,” Segura said. Told Lincoln that to relieve some stress he should go see a show. He taught Beethoven how to play the piano. Also taught him how to hear sonically. Like a bat. That's how he could make such glorious sounds. Talked JFK into turning the limo into a convertible. Told Enron and Martha Stewart, “ Hey, it'll be cool. No one will notice a little off the top.” Sold Bill Clinton cigars. Influenced 9 out of the 10 top grossing films of all time. Helped Michael Jackson write “ Thriller.” Told Bono he was a selfish tool. Which is why he turned into a philanthropist. Told Angelina Jolie that she should never EVER procreate. The world will never need another one of her. The world doesn't need one of her. Which is why she adopted all of those kids.
And all that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Johnny J. Segura III. He's traveled the world. But, in recent days he has traveled the country selling his art and comics at conventions across the Southwest. I hope you have enjoyed this little chunk of Johnny Segura's life.